


Q's property. Hands off!!! (Majetek Q- Nesahat!!!)

by lintuinblue



Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, Pranks and Practical Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 10:47:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14591385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lintuinblue/pseuds/lintuinblue
Summary: When Bond came to M's office there was a note stuck on his back and it said: "Q's property. Hands off!!!"





	Q's property. Hands off!!! (Majetek Q- Nesahat!!!)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Majetek Q - Nesahat!!!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3330668) by [SallyPejr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SallyPejr/pseuds/SallyPejr). 



> So this is my looong overdue translation of @SallyPejr's amazing piece "Majetek Q - Nesahat!!!". It's in Czech and I couldn't resist, I love the plot and the language so much.  
> Permission for translation is acquired.

Agent 007 is used to all kinds of looks directed his way whenever he appears in the HQ. However, those looks are usually admiring, sometimes a little jealous and some looks are plain yearning and lustful. But today something is completely off - Bond can't help but notice people snickering and laughing behind his back.

Why would they?

He looked impeccable, as always; his clothes were in a perfect shape, no rips or anything; even his face was for once clear of any lasting bruises or cuts, and when he looked at himself in the mirror earlier in the day he didn't notice anything that could potentially provoke sneers and laughs.

So why?

\- Agent 007, are you listening? - M's slightly anxious voice startles him out of his thoughts.

\- Of course, m'am. - Bond nods enthusiastically and at the same time tries to remember the subject of their discussion.

\- I'm glad. This mission requires high precision and as much as possible a discreet approach. Not your usual extravaganza.

\- Certainly, m'am. - Bond nods again for good measure and takes a thick folder from M's hands. 

M doesn't tell him anything else, waves her hand in the general direction of a door, and Bond takes his сue. He makes it to the door when M speaks again.

\- Agent 007, have you already been at Q's? - she asks and Bond hears a subtle note of surprise and amusement in her voice. For all that she is a cold-blooded professional and looks the part, Bond can't afford not to pay attention to an obvious insinuation like this one.

\- No, not yet. But I was just going down there. - Bond answers still feeling a little confused.

\- Excellent. I'll keep you company. - M nods in reassurance.

When M approaches Bond, she raises her hand in a gesture that tells him not to move and then outstretches it around him. 007 breaks out in a cold sweat - for a second there he thought M was aiming for a hug. But all she does is detach something from behind his back and stand back in a reasonable distance from him. And she's holding a piece of paper in her hand.

\- It was stuck to the back of your jacket. - M shows the paper to Bond. There's a handwritten inscription in bold letters: "Q's property. HANDS OFF!".

\- W-what? - Bond utters incredulously.

Undoubtedly it was a very distinctive handwriting of their technical genius, but why on earth would he stick it to the agent's back? And how, for that matter, did he manage to do that? Bond neither felt anything being attached to his back nor noticed Q anywhere around him this morning. Though he could have had an accomplice. Anyway there was only one person who could bring clarity into the situation.

At least now he knows why all of the employees were gaping at him like this. If he was running around the agency labelled with "Q's property" all day, he'd be honestly surprised if people weren't gawking.

***

Q is sitting at his computer, his hair a usual mess of black, his glasses are perched at the very tip of the nose - one could clearly see by the way he looks that Q couldn't care less for the world around him. Well, at least not until a certain agent 007 marches into his office. 

\- So you're already here. - Q greets the agent and starts logging off his account but stops midway. - Madam? - Q inquires a bit incredulously, when he sees that Bond came with company.

\- Yes, I've got a question to ask you. - says M nonchalantly.

\- Of course, madam, - Q nods standing up and stepping away from his table. 

\- Is this you writing? - M asks showing Q the piece of paper she retrieved from Bond's back. 

\- Yes, this is my note. - Q nods again without any hesitation. - Why?

\- Q, I know you're still quite young for a job like this, but I'm sure you should realize that there is no place for any kind of childish jokes in this field of work. - says M frigidly.

\- Childish jokes? - Q repeats after her in disbelief. - You think I'm the one who's joking? Shouldn't you be saying these words to the others? Because honestly I'm so fed up with people who can't keep their hands off the things that belong to me! - Q blurts out a little louder than necessary flapping his arms agitatedly.

The silence in the laboratory is almost too loud after Q is finished with his emotional outburst. Even computers and air conditioners alike - all went quiet in anticipation.

\- Things that belong to you? - M repeats and with a visible effort tries not to glance at Bond, but ultimately gives in to temptation. And it's absolutely worth it - the look of complete astonishment on Bond's face is something she'd like to remember for a long time. 

\- Correct me if I'm wrong - you put this note onto something you believe belongs to you? - tries M again, just to make sure.

\- What do you mean 'believe'? It IS mine! Who else could claim it? - Q's eyes darken. - And I'm not quite sure why you decided to bring this up now? I was under an impression you came to discuss the new mission.

\- Initially, yes, I did. But this note got us...perplexed. - M nodded in agreement.

\- But why? What's there to explain? - Q grumbled and turned to grasp the paper note, but was promptly stopped by a hand on his elbow. A James Bond's hand, who hasn't uttered a single word until now.

\- I need to know. Why did you stick it? - says 007 extremely quietly.

\- I've already told you, - Q rolls his eyes, - I'm sick of people appropriating my things! Do you even know how hard it is to keep up with eating habits in this place, when you constantly have to save somebody's arse?

\- Eating habits? - Bond repeats after him dumbly.

\- Well, any habits, the smokers didn't last long here - Q waves his hand with uncertainty - I only mentioned eating habits as an example, since you're so eager to discuss my lunch. 

\- Your - lunch? - this time it's M's turn to astonishingly repeat after the technical genius.

\- Y-yes, - Q answers unsure of himself and glances between the two of them suspiciously. - Did I miss something? - he asks carefully.

\- So you put this note on your lunch in order to prevent any of your colleagues from taking it? - clarifies M.

\- Yes, - drawls Q.

\- We found this note stuck to agent 007's back, - deadpans M finally.

For a few seconds Q is struck by surprise. But then his face flushes up in such violent red, that one could think he'd faint right there. It's not hard to imagine that the genius' brilliant mind has replayed the whole conversation in his head, but this time being aware that all the time he's been referring the word "property" to his lunchbox, while everyone else surely thought he'd meant a certain blond agent with impossibly blue eyes. 

\- Well, I guess we got this...worked out. - says M to herself mostly. - Q, you have my permission to use any means available to prevent your food from any further stealing attempts. Agent 007, you should head out for your mission. And I hope I don't have to remind you about being careful again. I would expect our best agent to be able to deal with his colleagues and not prance around with notes stuck to his back.

With these words M retreats and leaves the laboratory with a still blushing Q, whom Bond, still stunned to the very core, is still holding by the elbow.

\- Err...Yeah. Mission. Right, - says Q in a tiny voice. But then he shakes his head trying to school his features into a usual calm expression. 

This is when Q realizes that 007 is still holding his elbow and is standing incredibly close to him. He flushes all over again, carefully extricates himself from Bond's grip and flees back to his computer.

-So, the mission. Do you know what your assignment is? - Q turns to the agent a little hesitantly.

Bond only smirks and approaches him yet again.

\- Oh, I do.


End file.
